I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
