My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
