I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
