Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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