Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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