It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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