when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
