Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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