i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You were trust falling into bushes
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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