You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
