what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize