Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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