How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
