I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
