If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
