Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
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