U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
