I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You ate ashes out of my bong
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
