Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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