When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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