Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
