Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
