you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
