it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
