You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
