i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
