you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
