'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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