so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
