I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
