i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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