Your dad touched me again.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize