She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize