There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
