I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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