i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
