I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
