Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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