1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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