Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
