I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
