Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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