We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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