I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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