Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
