the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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