Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
