By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
