I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
