She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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