I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
