I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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