I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
