My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
