I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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