she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
