NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
